Friday, May 1 (Night)
So. This is it. Today was my last day of high school. Everything I’ve worked for, for 13 years, led me to this. Of course, next week and in the weeks to come, I’ll still have some loose ends to tie up. But by and large, I am done.
This morning, my dad and I both looked out the back window. We both experienced a last before this next chapter begins I think: my last day of high school was his last weekday home. That really is sad. I was hoping we’d have more time. Maybe in a few weeks we will again if the county keeps spiking. Our daily new cases were almost doubled from earlier this week, two days in a row now.
I thanked one of my oldest friends this morning, because of the emotions from the last day. Well, not because of. I wanted to anyway. Correlation, not causation. I really have been blessed from the very beginning with amazing friends.
My mom went to the local convenience store today, too, and brought me back a soda. I asked for orange, but she got me grape, and that was a wonderful decision. I know this is an unpopular opinion, but I like grape soda. For me, it’s bottled nostalgia. I can think of four distinct moments where I’ve had a grape soda: once with family around the time of my great grandmother’s death; once with friends during the heat of the next summer; once with other friends over a warm meal during a cold winter; and once with my girlfriend over a nice lunch. So yeah—it brought back a lot of good memories from high school.
As I was finishing my chemistry work, I came up with a good way to explain why (I think) I’ve been slowing down on work this week. It’s like when an object approaches the speed of light. Everything slows down. The Universe tries to prevent you from reaching that speed, because you’re not normally meant to reach that speed. That’s what it feels like: we shouldn’t be graduating during this time, we should be experiencing the normal things like every grade around us. So we’re slowing ourselves down, trying to get a grip. At least that’s what I’m doing, I guess.
Later, I was on a call for my Creative Writing class. My creative writing teacher was also my eighth grade and tenth grade English teacher, so we’ve known each other for a while. When I was in eighth grade, she had our class play Loaded Questions a lot before breaks and after we finished up units. The way we played it with the whole class, four people would be picked to write their answers down and then everyone else had to guess who said what, in response to the questions. One of the funniest things happened once: the question was “what is something really cheap that you’d like to get for free?” I originally wrote down “muffins”, then crossed it out and wrote “those little hotel soaps”. I still joke about it all the time. So today, those of us on the call for Creative Writing played Loaded Questions for a final time. The last question was “what’s something that should be an Olympic sport, that isn’t already?” I answered, “soap collecting”.
Whether it makes sense or not, I think that was a perfect way to cap off my senior year of high school.
It still doesn’t feel real, and it seems like I should be going back next year, with the sense of community I felt. Again, it wasn’t always a good community, but it was still home, and overall, I loved it. It occurred to me, although it made perfect sense, I don’t get to watch next year’s leaders of activities and clubs rise to meet their moments like we rose to met ours. That feels so weird.
Yet I also believe I’d be feeling those feelings normally, even without this pandemic. So that’s comforting, to be feeling something normal. And I’ve come to the conclusion that, while I now know I much would’ve preferred the normal goodbye (no matter how much i would’ve cried), this pandemic that has us stuck at home has helped with this transition. The sad is coming in small waves instead of as one big slamming tsunami.
If that’s the best silver lining to come of this, I’m pretty satisfied with that.
This morning, my dad and I both looked out the back window. We both experienced a last before this next chapter begins I think: my last day of high school was his last weekday home. That really is sad. I was hoping we’d have more time. Maybe in a few weeks we will again if the county keeps spiking. Our daily new cases were almost doubled from earlier this week, two days in a row now.
I thanked one of my oldest friends this morning, because of the emotions from the last day. Well, not because of. I wanted to anyway. Correlation, not causation. I really have been blessed from the very beginning with amazing friends.
My mom went to the local convenience store today, too, and brought me back a soda. I asked for orange, but she got me grape, and that was a wonderful decision. I know this is an unpopular opinion, but I like grape soda. For me, it’s bottled nostalgia. I can think of four distinct moments where I’ve had a grape soda: once with family around the time of my great grandmother’s death; once with friends during the heat of the next summer; once with other friends over a warm meal during a cold winter; and once with my girlfriend over a nice lunch. So yeah—it brought back a lot of good memories from high school.
As I was finishing my chemistry work, I came up with a good way to explain why (I think) I’ve been slowing down on work this week. It’s like when an object approaches the speed of light. Everything slows down. The Universe tries to prevent you from reaching that speed, because you’re not normally meant to reach that speed. That’s what it feels like: we shouldn’t be graduating during this time, we should be experiencing the normal things like every grade around us. So we’re slowing ourselves down, trying to get a grip. At least that’s what I’m doing, I guess.
Later, I was on a call for my Creative Writing class. My creative writing teacher was also my eighth grade and tenth grade English teacher, so we’ve known each other for a while. When I was in eighth grade, she had our class play Loaded Questions a lot before breaks and after we finished up units. The way we played it with the whole class, four people would be picked to write their answers down and then everyone else had to guess who said what, in response to the questions. One of the funniest things happened once: the question was “what is something really cheap that you’d like to get for free?” I originally wrote down “muffins”, then crossed it out and wrote “those little hotel soaps”. I still joke about it all the time. So today, those of us on the call for Creative Writing played Loaded Questions for a final time. The last question was “what’s something that should be an Olympic sport, that isn’t already?” I answered, “soap collecting”.
Whether it makes sense or not, I think that was a perfect way to cap off my senior year of high school.
It still doesn’t feel real, and it seems like I should be going back next year, with the sense of community I felt. Again, it wasn’t always a good community, but it was still home, and overall, I loved it. It occurred to me, although it made perfect sense, I don’t get to watch next year’s leaders of activities and clubs rise to meet their moments like we rose to met ours. That feels so weird.
Yet I also believe I’d be feeling those feelings normally, even without this pandemic. So that’s comforting, to be feeling something normal. And I’ve come to the conclusion that, while I now know I much would’ve preferred the normal goodbye (no matter how much i would’ve cried), this pandemic that has us stuck at home has helped with this transition. The sad is coming in small waves instead of as one big slamming tsunami.
If that’s the best silver lining to come of this, I’m pretty satisfied with that.
Thursday, April 30 (Night)
So it’s been April 30 all day, and it just now set in that the month is over. Our first full month is done. We likely have (I begrudgingly say at least) one more to go.
While I felt like I had a grasp on things yesterday, that was not the case today. Though I suppose that’s pretty normal for any high school senior in the last few weeks. I was just very pensive and reflective. I wonder how different my feelings would really be if things were normal.
I think our cardinals are starting to nest. I noticed today that the female cardinal was rustling around in the bush in our front yard, behind the Class of 2020 yard sign, while the male kept watch from the ground. It was quite cute actually, to see how they were working together, and then how they flew off in the same direction.
After my English class I felt especially reflective. I wrote something quite special in that time, that I will share eventually, probably.
I think though, the best way to describe how I felt was inwardly distant. It was as if I was watching a flame on the horizon, except the horizon was deeper within me. It was going far away, but coming in so close all at once, as if in a 4th or 5th dimension of time and space.
I also think I’ve been missing reading, since I finished reading Invisible Man. I think even when reading that, since it was still for school despite being a good book, I felt like I was missing reading for fun. I haven’t read a work of fiction for myself all year, although my assigned book over winter break felt like it. It wasThe Old Man and the Sea. Very good, in my opinion, I think because it was so human. There’s just something about a good story. There is a human need to read a good story, especially a good, really human story. I think since I’ve been lacking a story of my own, I should’ve been reading to help myself feel some normalcy and enjoyment that didn’t involve technology. After all, life is on technology now. That is our new reality. Shouldn’t relaxation be a break from life and reality somewhat?
I did, however, watch a movie and stand-up comedy with my parents today. That felt relaxing, and well-earned.
Here’s hoping I can get a grip again tomorrow. From there, maybe I can finish up most of my work this weekend and early next week. Next week will look different, after all, with no new assignments.
Lord be with me.
While I felt like I had a grasp on things yesterday, that was not the case today. Though I suppose that’s pretty normal for any high school senior in the last few weeks. I was just very pensive and reflective. I wonder how different my feelings would really be if things were normal.
I think our cardinals are starting to nest. I noticed today that the female cardinal was rustling around in the bush in our front yard, behind the Class of 2020 yard sign, while the male kept watch from the ground. It was quite cute actually, to see how they were working together, and then how they flew off in the same direction.
After my English class I felt especially reflective. I wrote something quite special in that time, that I will share eventually, probably.
I think though, the best way to describe how I felt was inwardly distant. It was as if I was watching a flame on the horizon, except the horizon was deeper within me. It was going far away, but coming in so close all at once, as if in a 4th or 5th dimension of time and space.
I also think I’ve been missing reading, since I finished reading Invisible Man. I think even when reading that, since it was still for school despite being a good book, I felt like I was missing reading for fun. I haven’t read a work of fiction for myself all year, although my assigned book over winter break felt like it. It wasThe Old Man and the Sea. Very good, in my opinion, I think because it was so human. There’s just something about a good story. There is a human need to read a good story, especially a good, really human story. I think since I’ve been lacking a story of my own, I should’ve been reading to help myself feel some normalcy and enjoyment that didn’t involve technology. After all, life is on technology now. That is our new reality. Shouldn’t relaxation be a break from life and reality somewhat?
I did, however, watch a movie and stand-up comedy with my parents today. That felt relaxing, and well-earned.
Here’s hoping I can get a grip again tomorrow. From there, maybe I can finish up most of my work this weekend and early next week. Next week will look different, after all, with no new assignments.
Lord be with me.
Wednesday, April 29 (Night)
I felt on top of things today. While not as productive as I could have been, the finish line is within sight. The last couple days, I knew it was just over the horizon, but today, but today, I am now close enough to see it for myself. It felt good, in the sense that there’s no reason to be stressed about finishing things—I know I will. But there was that same bitter feeling. It’s over. This is how my high school story ends.
On the bright side, Oxford University announced they’re working on a vaccine that they predict will be widely available by September. That was wonderful news to hear. I joked that we should’ve never left those Brits in the first place.
I also pondered an old Hawaiian saying today. I believe it is spelled, “Me ke aloha pau ole a hui hou.” My grandmother always taught me it means, “With ever lasting love and affection, until we meet again.” People often talk about things they carry with them—memories; baggage, both physical and emotional; dreams and nightmares; deaths and birthdays; stories, anecdotes, and lessons—and that saying is something I’ve carried with me. To me, it is the deepest form of endearment one can express, and my family and I reserve it for special occasions and circumstances.
So tonight, I tell my community and the world: Me ke aloha pau ole a hui hou—with ever lasting love and affection until we meet again, together.
On the bright side, Oxford University announced they’re working on a vaccine that they predict will be widely available by September. That was wonderful news to hear. I joked that we should’ve never left those Brits in the first place.
I also pondered an old Hawaiian saying today. I believe it is spelled, “Me ke aloha pau ole a hui hou.” My grandmother always taught me it means, “With ever lasting love and affection, until we meet again.” People often talk about things they carry with them—memories; baggage, both physical and emotional; dreams and nightmares; deaths and birthdays; stories, anecdotes, and lessons—and that saying is something I’ve carried with me. To me, it is the deepest form of endearment one can express, and my family and I reserve it for special occasions and circumstances.
So tonight, I tell my community and the world: Me ke aloha pau ole a hui hou—with ever lasting love and affection until we meet again, together.
Tuesday, April 28 (Night)
The United States Coronavirus death toll has now surpassed the US death toll during the Vietnam war. The fourth deadliest war in American history. The war that mothers despised for taking their children away from them. The war that seemed to never end.
The number of deaths that happened over the course of 20 years, has now happened in the course of 3 months. Of course, the Vietnam war left a lot more scars that cannot be seen, there is no denying that, and I do not mean to take away from that. But the deaths alone are a staggering statistic.
Meanwhile we’re still chugging along toward reopening.
I went for a drive with my mom today. The primary goal was to drop off masks for my grandparents. We had a lot of good discussion along the way though, my mom and I.
It’s weird, too, that I am almost done with high school. It wasn’t until I was checking assignments for the week today that I realized we won’t be assigned new stuff next week. I am literally at the finish line. After this week, I’ll just have loose ends, plus AP exam studying and possibly yearbook.
It’s unfortunate too, that my dad is going back to work next week. The virus and its immediate effects aside, I was hoping to have some time with him. We’ll have the evenings of course, but more would’ve been nice too. Just as I predicted; even in this situation when time seems infinite, it’s not. It still runs out.
I also trimmed my hair for the first time in months today. I largely focused around my ears. Come to think of it, I don’t know if I’ve gotten a haircut yet this year. I was overdue anyway when this situation started.
Hopefully I can be productive tomorrow—after all, it should be my last busy day of high school. Thursday and Friday should both be easier.
The number of deaths that happened over the course of 20 years, has now happened in the course of 3 months. Of course, the Vietnam war left a lot more scars that cannot be seen, there is no denying that, and I do not mean to take away from that. But the deaths alone are a staggering statistic.
Meanwhile we’re still chugging along toward reopening.
I went for a drive with my mom today. The primary goal was to drop off masks for my grandparents. We had a lot of good discussion along the way though, my mom and I.
It’s weird, too, that I am almost done with high school. It wasn’t until I was checking assignments for the week today that I realized we won’t be assigned new stuff next week. I am literally at the finish line. After this week, I’ll just have loose ends, plus AP exam studying and possibly yearbook.
It’s unfortunate too, that my dad is going back to work next week. The virus and its immediate effects aside, I was hoping to have some time with him. We’ll have the evenings of course, but more would’ve been nice too. Just as I predicted; even in this situation when time seems infinite, it’s not. It still runs out.
I also trimmed my hair for the first time in months today. I largely focused around my ears. Come to think of it, I don’t know if I’ve gotten a haircut yet this year. I was overdue anyway when this situation started.
Hopefully I can be productive tomorrow—after all, it should be my last busy day of high school. Thursday and Friday should both be easier.
Tuesday, April 28 (Morning)
I don’t know what to say this morning, besides I’m still here, still living this reality. This nightmare that I’ve come to accept is still the day-in, day-out grind.
The one consolation I have this morning is that I have some motivation.
The one consolation I have this morning is that I have some motivation.
Monday, April 27 (Night)
Today was not very productive. I tried doing some yearbook, and I suppose I got a lot of checking of names and stuff like that done, but on the whole it just didn’t seem that great. I didn’t really start until 11:30, then after that, the hours kept flying by.
They flew by so much, in fact, that I missed an important meeting. I’m part of a committee with other students at school, and the whole thing is in existence in part because of me. Out of all the things I’ve done in high school, out of the clubs I’ve been a part of and circles I’ve been in, the creation of that committee is probably one of my proudest accomplishments.
I was looking forward to this meeting, it being my last, even though it was digital. It’s ironic, too, that I was finishing up the page for it for the yearbook earlier in the day. It’s also kind of funny that I remembered I had missed it because of a wheel of fortune answer my mom read allowed: “Game Board Meeting”.
I nearly cried. If anything good comes out of this whole situation, it can definitely be said I’ll be more in touch with my emotions.
Shortly thereafter, my girlfriend stopped by to drop off cake. She was planning on doing it anyway, but it happened at just the right time anyway. I talked with her at the car for a solid several minutes. Things felt normal, and it was comforting.
For once in my life, I felt my age, like a student the summer before college. Although we weren’t actually on a porch, it reminded me of that cliche of two high schoolers standing on a porch during a summer, with unlimited time. She comforted me.
My dad and I then went to Sonic, and we heard two of his favorite songs on the way home: “Where the Streets Have No Name” and “Broken Wings”. Both are very good, and in some ways fitting, with their meanings right now. He and I connected well today, too.
Although today had its wonderful moments, here’s hoping tomorrow is better all around.
They flew by so much, in fact, that I missed an important meeting. I’m part of a committee with other students at school, and the whole thing is in existence in part because of me. Out of all the things I’ve done in high school, out of the clubs I’ve been a part of and circles I’ve been in, the creation of that committee is probably one of my proudest accomplishments.
I was looking forward to this meeting, it being my last, even though it was digital. It’s ironic, too, that I was finishing up the page for it for the yearbook earlier in the day. It’s also kind of funny that I remembered I had missed it because of a wheel of fortune answer my mom read allowed: “Game Board Meeting”.
I nearly cried. If anything good comes out of this whole situation, it can definitely be said I’ll be more in touch with my emotions.
Shortly thereafter, my girlfriend stopped by to drop off cake. She was planning on doing it anyway, but it happened at just the right time anyway. I talked with her at the car for a solid several minutes. Things felt normal, and it was comforting.
For once in my life, I felt my age, like a student the summer before college. Although we weren’t actually on a porch, it reminded me of that cliche of two high schoolers standing on a porch during a summer, with unlimited time. She comforted me.
My dad and I then went to Sonic, and we heard two of his favorite songs on the way home: “Where the Streets Have No Name” and “Broken Wings”. Both are very good, and in some ways fitting, with their meanings right now. He and I connected well today, too.
Although today had its wonderful moments, here’s hoping tomorrow is better all around.
Monday, April 27 (Morning)
I don’t feel like doing anything today. It’s a wonder I feel like doing anything most days, though. So I guess today is a part of this new normal.
I forgot to mention, my parents and I watched the Martian yesterday. I love that movie. The book was better, of course, but I suppose I may be a bit biased in saying that. It was the first full-length novel I read in middle school.
I think the story is very fitting for this time though and somewhat puts things into perspective. I understand it’s fiction, but that doesn’t take away from the humanity of the characters. The movie doesn’t develop all of them as well, but the book creates such a rich story.
A man gets stuck on Mars for hundreds of days, with enough food to last him about 60, originally. His only chance of survival is giving up more than half of his living space so he can grow food, and when that fails, he has to live in a river the size of a small van. For hundreds of days. Even more alone than we are.
I don’t feel like I have to explain why the story put my situation into perspective. But I should add how much I appreciated the message of the drive to keep going. And I should also add I nearly cried at every success that brought him closer to home.
“You solve one problem and you solve the next one, and then the next. And if you solve enough problems, you get to come home.”
I also got my first graduation card yesterday. That felt weird. It just doesn’t feel real, anything. The quarantine makes graduation and the “end” of high school feel less real, and the quarantine doesn’t feel real either, for obvious reasons.
As I drifted to sleep to the sound of thunder, I realized what seems to obvious to me is quite the contradiction: I hoped it would all be over soon, but I also hoped to savor the time.
What is one supposed to do when they want to savor one part of something but they despise the other part? It’s like if you take a really good hotdog and smother it in mayo. Or you take a chocolate cake and smother it in charcoal. And it’s the best chocolate cake you’ve ever had. I suppose most people would just throw it out, be done with all of it. But I think this is different. I don’t think this can be explained with food metaphors.
Do most people already experience that contradiction on a regular basis? Am I supposed to feel that contradiction? If not, which am I supposed to pick, and why shouldn’t I pick the other?
Last and most importantly, why am I asking questions about what feelings should be? They can’t be controlled after all.
I forgot to mention, my parents and I watched the Martian yesterday. I love that movie. The book was better, of course, but I suppose I may be a bit biased in saying that. It was the first full-length novel I read in middle school.
I think the story is very fitting for this time though and somewhat puts things into perspective. I understand it’s fiction, but that doesn’t take away from the humanity of the characters. The movie doesn’t develop all of them as well, but the book creates such a rich story.
A man gets stuck on Mars for hundreds of days, with enough food to last him about 60, originally. His only chance of survival is giving up more than half of his living space so he can grow food, and when that fails, he has to live in a river the size of a small van. For hundreds of days. Even more alone than we are.
I don’t feel like I have to explain why the story put my situation into perspective. But I should add how much I appreciated the message of the drive to keep going. And I should also add I nearly cried at every success that brought him closer to home.
“You solve one problem and you solve the next one, and then the next. And if you solve enough problems, you get to come home.”
I also got my first graduation card yesterday. That felt weird. It just doesn’t feel real, anything. The quarantine makes graduation and the “end” of high school feel less real, and the quarantine doesn’t feel real either, for obvious reasons.
As I drifted to sleep to the sound of thunder, I realized what seems to obvious to me is quite the contradiction: I hoped it would all be over soon, but I also hoped to savor the time.
What is one supposed to do when they want to savor one part of something but they despise the other part? It’s like if you take a really good hotdog and smother it in mayo. Or you take a chocolate cake and smother it in charcoal. And it’s the best chocolate cake you’ve ever had. I suppose most people would just throw it out, be done with all of it. But I think this is different. I don’t think this can be explained with food metaphors.
Do most people already experience that contradiction on a regular basis? Am I supposed to feel that contradiction? If not, which am I supposed to pick, and why shouldn’t I pick the other?
Last and most importantly, why am I asking questions about what feelings should be? They can’t be controlled after all.
SUnday, April 26 (Night)
Today was good, but I feel it was too unproductive. What it lacked in productivity, however, it made up for with deep thoughts and happenings.
We watched church again this morning. I think we skipped last week, but I’m very glad we tuned in this week. The message was very timely and necessary for my soul and spirit.
The message was all about what happens between two important events. Of course, in terms of the literal scripture, it was the telling of events between Christ’s resurrection and ascension. However, our Reverend related it back to what we’re going through; how we are between two book-ends of normalcy, in a sense. She pointed out how much really happens in between two big, more remarkable moments, and it is these happenings that prepare us for the roads ahead of us.
It really got me to thinking about my life. I tend to look a time as a very sacred and special thing, if I haven’t already made it quite obvious. I look at events in my life and think back to certain defining moments as starts and ends of different chapters, and pieces of a bigger whole. I do a lot of thinking about life and time that way.
For example, a year ago today, my girlfriend sent me the very first text I ever received from her, asking about prom. I barely knew her, knowing her only as that girl from History class. It was definitely the start of a new chapter. Even in the big picture, other life events were coming to a close, and other new opportunities were opening. Within a month in either direction of this day in 2019, I was named editor-in-chief if the yearbook—which has been one of the greatest honors of my life thus far—and my great grandfather was placed on hospice care.
After a drive today, I also realized how much the unknowingness of this whole damn situation is causing me further anxiety about the future. Graduating and going off to college is hard enough as it is. Throw this curveball in here and it’s unbelievable. Again, with change and time.
And to top off my day of time-related thoughts, I found a very special notebook as I was cleaning out a drawer in my room today. When I was very young, I had an outing with my great grandparents to the cemetery so they could show me where they’d be buried someday. (Yes, seriously.) Believe it or not, it’s one of my fondest memories from early childhood, in part because it was an outing alone with my great grandparents, but also because it’s a prime example of their quirks that I love and that make them them. The notebook I found was a poor attempt at a journal. My writing skills were limited, naturally, and there were only three entries. But I dated each one, including one that told of that special outing.
For the first time in almost ten years, I was able to place an exact date to that memory. Were it not for the notebook, and my keeping of it for all these years, the day and time and even the event would’ve been lost to history, except for in my memory.
Placing an exact date to that memory made it more real. It was certainly surreal, and yet also made me feel more grounded today.
If I can be productive this week, perhaps then I can be sure my luck is beginning to change.
We watched church again this morning. I think we skipped last week, but I’m very glad we tuned in this week. The message was very timely and necessary for my soul and spirit.
The message was all about what happens between two important events. Of course, in terms of the literal scripture, it was the telling of events between Christ’s resurrection and ascension. However, our Reverend related it back to what we’re going through; how we are between two book-ends of normalcy, in a sense. She pointed out how much really happens in between two big, more remarkable moments, and it is these happenings that prepare us for the roads ahead of us.
It really got me to thinking about my life. I tend to look a time as a very sacred and special thing, if I haven’t already made it quite obvious. I look at events in my life and think back to certain defining moments as starts and ends of different chapters, and pieces of a bigger whole. I do a lot of thinking about life and time that way.
For example, a year ago today, my girlfriend sent me the very first text I ever received from her, asking about prom. I barely knew her, knowing her only as that girl from History class. It was definitely the start of a new chapter. Even in the big picture, other life events were coming to a close, and other new opportunities were opening. Within a month in either direction of this day in 2019, I was named editor-in-chief if the yearbook—which has been one of the greatest honors of my life thus far—and my great grandfather was placed on hospice care.
After a drive today, I also realized how much the unknowingness of this whole damn situation is causing me further anxiety about the future. Graduating and going off to college is hard enough as it is. Throw this curveball in here and it’s unbelievable. Again, with change and time.
And to top off my day of time-related thoughts, I found a very special notebook as I was cleaning out a drawer in my room today. When I was very young, I had an outing with my great grandparents to the cemetery so they could show me where they’d be buried someday. (Yes, seriously.) Believe it or not, it’s one of my fondest memories from early childhood, in part because it was an outing alone with my great grandparents, but also because it’s a prime example of their quirks that I love and that make them them. The notebook I found was a poor attempt at a journal. My writing skills were limited, naturally, and there were only three entries. But I dated each one, including one that told of that special outing.
For the first time in almost ten years, I was able to place an exact date to that memory. Were it not for the notebook, and my keeping of it for all these years, the day and time and even the event would’ve been lost to history, except for in my memory.
Placing an exact date to that memory made it more real. It was certainly surreal, and yet also made me feel more grounded today.
If I can be productive this week, perhaps then I can be sure my luck is beginning to change.
Saturday, April 25 (Night)
So much has happened this week, interestingly enough.
Today was a decent day. My dad found Scrabble either last night or the night before, so we played that today. We also played Yahtzee. My dad smoked the other half of his brisket. He also joined us in watching very little news.
We also found out he will likely be going back to work May 4. It kind of threw all of us into a bit of a solemn, thoughtful state, I believe. We figured some things out though, like how he’s going to have to prepare for his day and what his routine will be upon his return home daily. Rest assured—it will be documented here.
I saw what must’ve been our Cardinal’s partner today, too! She was in our front bush, and we could see her through the window. Even though they’re the duller color, compared to the males, I still love their color. Such a rich creamy hue they have. I wonder if that old wive’s tale (about cardinals being messengers from deceased relatives) that my mom told me about applies genders correspondingly. If so, thank you for finally visiting, Nana.
The country passed 50,000 deaths yesterday I believe.
And lastly, I was thinking about the timeline of this whole situation again today. Things seem to be opening up again as unexpectedly as they closed down—all of a sudden, but also slowly at first. Less than a week before everything closed down, people I know were still mocking the fear of the virus. I also didn’t understand its full effect. Yet they didn’t outright cancel the entire fourth quarter of school for a while. Now, because of an unexpected announcement yesterday, the state may be largely opened up in a week, but with heavy restrictions. We’re opening all of a sudden, but all of a sudden slowly.
I, for one, think it’s all happening much too soon. Yet I have found solace in a single statistic I’ve seen on the news—80% of people agree with me and will stay at home.
Today was a decent day. My dad found Scrabble either last night or the night before, so we played that today. We also played Yahtzee. My dad smoked the other half of his brisket. He also joined us in watching very little news.
We also found out he will likely be going back to work May 4. It kind of threw all of us into a bit of a solemn, thoughtful state, I believe. We figured some things out though, like how he’s going to have to prepare for his day and what his routine will be upon his return home daily. Rest assured—it will be documented here.
I saw what must’ve been our Cardinal’s partner today, too! She was in our front bush, and we could see her through the window. Even though they’re the duller color, compared to the males, I still love their color. Such a rich creamy hue they have. I wonder if that old wive’s tale (about cardinals being messengers from deceased relatives) that my mom told me about applies genders correspondingly. If so, thank you for finally visiting, Nana.
The country passed 50,000 deaths yesterday I believe.
And lastly, I was thinking about the timeline of this whole situation again today. Things seem to be opening up again as unexpectedly as they closed down—all of a sudden, but also slowly at first. Less than a week before everything closed down, people I know were still mocking the fear of the virus. I also didn’t understand its full effect. Yet they didn’t outright cancel the entire fourth quarter of school for a while. Now, because of an unexpected announcement yesterday, the state may be largely opened up in a week, but with heavy restrictions. We’re opening all of a sudden, but all of a sudden slowly.
I, for one, think it’s all happening much too soon. Yet I have found solace in a single statistic I’ve seen on the news—80% of people agree with me and will stay at home.
Friday, April 24 (Night)
Parks are set to reopen tomorrow at 5 AM. I don’t know if I ever mentioned when they closed, but they have been closed for a couple weeks I think now. But beside the point—it has begun.
I don’t know if our state is ready. I don’t know if any state is ready. But I also know the economy is fragile and has greater influence on our daily lives than we give it credit for. It’s like a beast so wild, it must be respected. I’ll let you decide whether that’s good or bad.
Meanwhile, high school underclassmen around the area had a lot going on today in the realm deciding next year’s leadership roles.
More of the journalism awards were held today, too. I was hoping our yearbook would’ve done a little better, but I’m pretty satisfied over all.
It’s just crazy, how time demands to be obliged. You cannot break free from time’s desires, whether you want more or less. Time does what it wants, and what it wants alone.
I know someone who used to hate school. They were always counting down until breaks and the ends of semesters. They were the opposite of me—they couldn’t wait to be out of high school. Now, they think time is going too quickly. They can’t stop the countdown in their mind and they are afraid for the end, because of the unusual circumstances. I wonder if they would’ve felt this way at all anyway. It reminded me again to be careful what you wish for; I said I didn’t want to graduate, they said they just wanted school to be over.
Yet, just like how feelings demand to be felt, time also has its demands. It bows to no one.
The Wheel in the Sky keeps on turning...
I don’t know if our state is ready. I don’t know if any state is ready. But I also know the economy is fragile and has greater influence on our daily lives than we give it credit for. It’s like a beast so wild, it must be respected. I’ll let you decide whether that’s good or bad.
Meanwhile, high school underclassmen around the area had a lot going on today in the realm deciding next year’s leadership roles.
More of the journalism awards were held today, too. I was hoping our yearbook would’ve done a little better, but I’m pretty satisfied over all.
It’s just crazy, how time demands to be obliged. You cannot break free from time’s desires, whether you want more or less. Time does what it wants, and what it wants alone.
I know someone who used to hate school. They were always counting down until breaks and the ends of semesters. They were the opposite of me—they couldn’t wait to be out of high school. Now, they think time is going too quickly. They can’t stop the countdown in their mind and they are afraid for the end, because of the unusual circumstances. I wonder if they would’ve felt this way at all anyway. It reminded me again to be careful what you wish for; I said I didn’t want to graduate, they said they just wanted school to be over.
Yet, just like how feelings demand to be felt, time also has its demands. It bows to no one.
The Wheel in the Sky keeps on turning...
Friday, April 24 (Morning)
In an email yesterday, my English teacher suggested all of his students wake up early today, go outside to watch the sunrise, and reflect on our favorite moments of the year. He of course added that we shouldn’t look directly into the sun.
I originally planned to do so, but then stayed up later than I thought I would. So I figured I would put it off until sometime next week. The Universe had other plans.
This morning, I woke up at 6:14 AM. I chuckled to myself when I looked at the clock. I was not wide awake, and would’ve fallen straight back to sleep if I had tried. But I decided to give it a go. I didn’t go outside—I didn’t even leave my bed—but I stayed awake for a bit. I don’t think I made it to the actual sunrise, but I laid there, half awake, opening my eyes ever so often.
I don’t know whether it was because I was tired or because I couldn’t emotionally handle it, but I didn’t reflect on my favorite moments from the past year. I will do so at some point, but the time just didn’t feel right I guess. Having looked through last year’s yearbook yesterday, I did, however, remember a few things I had to chuckle at from previous years while laying in bed this morning.
I should catch up on sleep this weekend. Perhaps then sometime next week, I can actually go watch the sunrise. I know from this morning’s neat experiences how awe-inspiring it will be in full.
I originally planned to do so, but then stayed up later than I thought I would. So I figured I would put it off until sometime next week. The Universe had other plans.
This morning, I woke up at 6:14 AM. I chuckled to myself when I looked at the clock. I was not wide awake, and would’ve fallen straight back to sleep if I had tried. But I decided to give it a go. I didn’t go outside—I didn’t even leave my bed—but I stayed awake for a bit. I don’t think I made it to the actual sunrise, but I laid there, half awake, opening my eyes ever so often.
I don’t know whether it was because I was tired or because I couldn’t emotionally handle it, but I didn’t reflect on my favorite moments from the past year. I will do so at some point, but the time just didn’t feel right I guess. Having looked through last year’s yearbook yesterday, I did, however, remember a few things I had to chuckle at from previous years while laying in bed this morning.
I should catch up on sleep this weekend. Perhaps then sometime next week, I can actually go watch the sunrise. I know from this morning’s neat experiences how awe-inspiring it will be in full.
Thursday, April 23 (Night)
Today was nice. I was somewhat productive again, I looked through last year’s yearbook for fun, and I had good food. My dad smoked a brisket yesterday, so I had that with teriyaki sauce and rice.
I also texted some friends from far away. See, the state student journalism awards are being held this week virtually. Over the summer I met some wonderful people from the other side of the state, through student journalism. A few of them did really well today, so I congratulated them. It was nice texting with them. I should text the rest of them soon, too.
It also occurred again to me today, while talking with my grandma, that things won’t ever really be normal. This has always been at the back of my mind, of course, but it comes to the forefront occasionally, too. We were talking about how it’ll be nice to go out and see people again. Then I realized there are some people I probably won’t ever see again. Not that I was close with people in that category—I will see close friends again, no matter what—but it’s just bizarre to think about. I won’t be seeing my close friends day-in and day-out anymore either.
I love them all, and I’ll definitely still see them and talk to them quite regularly. But it’s just a hard pill to swallow. I think it’s been dissolving on my tongue for weeks now.
I also texted some friends from far away. See, the state student journalism awards are being held this week virtually. Over the summer I met some wonderful people from the other side of the state, through student journalism. A few of them did really well today, so I congratulated them. It was nice texting with them. I should text the rest of them soon, too.
It also occurred again to me today, while talking with my grandma, that things won’t ever really be normal. This has always been at the back of my mind, of course, but it comes to the forefront occasionally, too. We were talking about how it’ll be nice to go out and see people again. Then I realized there are some people I probably won’t ever see again. Not that I was close with people in that category—I will see close friends again, no matter what—but it’s just bizarre to think about. I won’t be seeing my close friends day-in and day-out anymore either.
I love them all, and I’ll definitely still see them and talk to them quite regularly. But it’s just a hard pill to swallow. I think it’s been dissolving on my tongue for weeks now.
ThurSday, April 23 (Morning)
I slept in a bit today. I feel like I deserve that every once in a while.
I also had a deep conversation last night. Despite it being sparked by some sadness and stress, I’m glad that it was able to happen. Deep conversations just help me to feel so much more connected.
Living in the moment was discussed again. I originally blogged something about it way back in March. A month ago today, in fact. (It’s spooky how cyclical time can be.) I don’t think back then, though, I completely understood what I was saying. I understand it more now: as the happenings of the individual days become easier and more routine, it’s important to live in the moment, because the vast situation happening is still incredibly challenging to think about. If one spends their whole time thinking about all the possible resolutions, both good and bad, insanity is inevitable. It’s sort of the opposite of that Dionne Warwick lyric. Instead of “a fool will lose tomorrow, reaching back for yesterday”, it’s more like “a fool will lose today, reaching for tomorrow.” I think both are equally true sometimes.
It was also pondered why this whole situation is so hard. Many of us haven’t really lost a whole lot, especially underclassmen. Some have been through the ringer, but some have not. So the question is, why is it still so hard for those with relatively normal and stable situations? I think the answer is the loss of normalcy.
I spoke at church about this topic once. Being one of the few youths in a congregation do mostly older folks, I was asked to speak about some of my experiences, to share a different perspective. I spoke about normalcy and the fear of change, sometimes over time. They understood. They related. The loss of normalcy can sometimes be a good thing, if it is controlled. That’s adventure. But when change happens when you least expect it, and it sneaks up on you like this situation did, it’s hard—it can be detrimental to teenagers and boomers alike—and there is no need to explain yourself. I understand.
I also had a deep conversation last night. Despite it being sparked by some sadness and stress, I’m glad that it was able to happen. Deep conversations just help me to feel so much more connected.
Living in the moment was discussed again. I originally blogged something about it way back in March. A month ago today, in fact. (It’s spooky how cyclical time can be.) I don’t think back then, though, I completely understood what I was saying. I understand it more now: as the happenings of the individual days become easier and more routine, it’s important to live in the moment, because the vast situation happening is still incredibly challenging to think about. If one spends their whole time thinking about all the possible resolutions, both good and bad, insanity is inevitable. It’s sort of the opposite of that Dionne Warwick lyric. Instead of “a fool will lose tomorrow, reaching back for yesterday”, it’s more like “a fool will lose today, reaching for tomorrow.” I think both are equally true sometimes.
It was also pondered why this whole situation is so hard. Many of us haven’t really lost a whole lot, especially underclassmen. Some have been through the ringer, but some have not. So the question is, why is it still so hard for those with relatively normal and stable situations? I think the answer is the loss of normalcy.
I spoke at church about this topic once. Being one of the few youths in a congregation do mostly older folks, I was asked to speak about some of my experiences, to share a different perspective. I spoke about normalcy and the fear of change, sometimes over time. They understood. They related. The loss of normalcy can sometimes be a good thing, if it is controlled. That’s adventure. But when change happens when you least expect it, and it sneaks up on you like this situation did, it’s hard—it can be detrimental to teenagers and boomers alike—and there is no need to explain yourself. I understand.
Wednesday, April 22 (Almost Midnight)
Today was Earth Day. Not just any Earth Day, but the 50th Earth Day. It inspired some interesting thoughts today.
I didn’t see our cardinal today, even though I was hoping I would. But I did see him yesterday briefly. He has quite a large domain, that must span most of the neighborhood, from what I can tell.
I’ve also been really questioning the idea of humans being the superior species on the planet. Of course, I’ve never fully believed the idea anyway, and superiority is a silly thing to measure and aspire to. But I’m starting to believe we really aren’t. After all, we’re stuck at home, seemingly more susceptible to this disease than any other species. In our absence, the world is not suffering, it’s not struggling to get by, inching along day-by-day—in fact, quite the opposite. The air is fresher, the clouds are puffier, pollution is down, and every other self-ruling and wild species of plant and animal is moving right along at its normal pace. If we were really superior and instrumental, the whole world—not just our world—would be buckling.
The final story on the Nightly News about Earth Day was also very inspiring, and reminded me the song “Somewhere Over the Rainbow” existed. That was quite nice.
A few other thoughts occurred to me today: How long after this will “stay safe and healthy” last as a normal phrase? It’s become habitual already, and we’re creatures of continual habit. My father also came up with a really good point, that my generation, Generation Z, was raised with such accessibility, more so than ever before, and now it has just stopped. We’re more cut-off, in some ways, than ever before.
Meanwhile, today was a good day. I was productive again. I hope to continue to be, God willing.
I didn’t see our cardinal today, even though I was hoping I would. But I did see him yesterday briefly. He has quite a large domain, that must span most of the neighborhood, from what I can tell.
I’ve also been really questioning the idea of humans being the superior species on the planet. Of course, I’ve never fully believed the idea anyway, and superiority is a silly thing to measure and aspire to. But I’m starting to believe we really aren’t. After all, we’re stuck at home, seemingly more susceptible to this disease than any other species. In our absence, the world is not suffering, it’s not struggling to get by, inching along day-by-day—in fact, quite the opposite. The air is fresher, the clouds are puffier, pollution is down, and every other self-ruling and wild species of plant and animal is moving right along at its normal pace. If we were really superior and instrumental, the whole world—not just our world—would be buckling.
The final story on the Nightly News about Earth Day was also very inspiring, and reminded me the song “Somewhere Over the Rainbow” existed. That was quite nice.
A few other thoughts occurred to me today: How long after this will “stay safe and healthy” last as a normal phrase? It’s become habitual already, and we’re creatures of continual habit. My father also came up with a really good point, that my generation, Generation Z, was raised with such accessibility, more so than ever before, and now it has just stopped. We’re more cut-off, in some ways, than ever before.
Meanwhile, today was a good day. I was productive again. I hope to continue to be, God willing.
TueSday, April 21 (Evening)
I actually went out today. Several times, in fact!
I drove to the high school to pick up a yard sign they made for every student in the class of 2020. The text on it read “the best is yet to come.” I appreciate the gesture a lot. They’re working hard to keep our community together. Our school really thrives on the community.
I can’t tell though the thoughts of the sign. Would the sign believe itself? Would it think itself sincere or disingenuous and ironic?
I went on another drive later in the day too. I once again heard “Let it Be” on the radio, along with “Stayin’ Alive”. I think the radio jockeys (I think they should be called RJs) are trying to appeal to our dark senses of humor. I also heard “Devil Went Down to Georgia” and couldn’t help but sing along and smile. On the drive, I also saw a Dairy Queen drive-through that poured out onto the street. Even the bus went around the car waiting in line. You know you’re in the wrong when the bus won’t wait on you.
I also went for a long walk through the park. It was lovely. Lots of people, but all far apart. Avoiding people kind of led the direction of the walk, actually. The parking lots were all taped off, and there was a heavy police presence. But since the trails were open, it was a nice walk.
Near the very end of it, there were two trees that seemed to reach out to each other, the one on the right especially. I snapped a picture. It was neat and, in a way, comforting.
I drove to the high school to pick up a yard sign they made for every student in the class of 2020. The text on it read “the best is yet to come.” I appreciate the gesture a lot. They’re working hard to keep our community together. Our school really thrives on the community.
I can’t tell though the thoughts of the sign. Would the sign believe itself? Would it think itself sincere or disingenuous and ironic?
I went on another drive later in the day too. I once again heard “Let it Be” on the radio, along with “Stayin’ Alive”. I think the radio jockeys (I think they should be called RJs) are trying to appeal to our dark senses of humor. I also heard “Devil Went Down to Georgia” and couldn’t help but sing along and smile. On the drive, I also saw a Dairy Queen drive-through that poured out onto the street. Even the bus went around the car waiting in line. You know you’re in the wrong when the bus won’t wait on you.
I also went for a long walk through the park. It was lovely. Lots of people, but all far apart. Avoiding people kind of led the direction of the walk, actually. The parking lots were all taped off, and there was a heavy police presence. But since the trails were open, it was a nice walk.
Near the very end of it, there were two trees that seemed to reach out to each other, the one on the right especially. I snapped a picture. It was neat and, in a way, comforting.
TueSday, April 21 (Morning)
The mail came unusually early today. I just went and got it.
The USPS is in financial danger. America will be closed off to immigrants for the foreseeable future by Executive Order of the President, due to this pandemic. Kim Jong Un might have had surgery and might be in critical condition.
I’m not here to argue politics with you all, or the legitimacy of these paraphrased news headlines. But my goodness, those all came across my newsfeed yesterday. Crazy times we are living in indeed.
The USPS is in financial danger. America will be closed off to immigrants for the foreseeable future by Executive Order of the President, due to this pandemic. Kim Jong Un might have had surgery and might be in critical condition.
I’m not here to argue politics with you all, or the legitimacy of these paraphrased news headlines. But my goodness, those all came across my newsfeed yesterday. Crazy times we are living in indeed.
Monday, April 20 (Night)
Today was much less productive than it should have been. I suppose I did clean my room a little bit, and I did some yearbook work. But things just weren’t happening, and I kept hitting road blocks. Even this evening, my parents and I wanted to play Scrabble, and then spent an hour looking for the box.
And with that, my motivational quote app just told me to push myself because no one is going to do it for me. Yeah...
I think I set myself up pretty well for the rest of the week, though. Hopefully I will wake up tomorrow and start on yearbook pretty quickly. Then I can catch up on classwork from last week.
I can do this.
And with that, my motivational quote app just told me to push myself because no one is going to do it for me. Yeah...
I think I set myself up pretty well for the rest of the week, though. Hopefully I will wake up tomorrow and start on yearbook pretty quickly. Then I can catch up on classwork from last week.
I can do this.
Monday, April 20 (Morning)
Wow, we’re already that far into April. This really is no way to spend time, cooped up inside. I mean, I suppose walks and drives are an option, but even then, one feels a little cooped. Someone told me a while ago that they felt as though time was moving by too quickly, even though they also didn’t want to be in quarantine. I didn’t quite understand at the time, but I do now. Time is going by too quickly, because of the regular routine everyday, rise and grind. I also don’t want to be in this situation, but it’s certainly a special one, and time is still time. Wasted minutes are still wasted minutes.
I don’t mean to imply everyone should be productive, or everyone should be doing something. I suppose I just mean no one should be doing nothing. People should still love, and hope, and do things they enjoy—in times like this, that’s productive enough.
I don’t mean to imply everyone should be productive, or everyone should be doing something. I suppose I just mean no one should be doing nothing. People should still love, and hope, and do things they enjoy—in times like this, that’s productive enough.
Sunday, April 19
I cannot stress enough how wonderful “prom” was Saturday night. It really was the most normal I’ve felt in a very long time, I think. It was also one of the very best evenings I have had during this whole quarantine. I think the general consensus, of those that attended a “prom” of some sort, was that it was better—and less sad—than originally expected.
I hope I have more calls with friends, both in large groups and individually. I have a few lined up this week. Hopefully I feel good enough to hold myself to them.
It also occurred to me again last night just how much the human race thrives on interaction. We are very adaptable, too, but I’m not sure we’ll ever adapt completely to a situation like this. I think people will always thrive on interaction with other people.
Today, meanwhile, was largely uneventful. I did, however, finish my book for English class, Invisible Man by Ralph Ellison. Without turning this into a full book review, I think it was a good book. It is among the longest I have ever read, for sure, topping out at a whopping 581 pages. About 100 of those were today.
As I read the last words on the last page, I felt myself lurch forward toward graduation, as if I was waiting in a long line, and the person at the very front was helped and everyone behind took a big step forward in unison. This book is one less piece of work I have to balance, as I continue to try to navigate how to work without school.
I can focus more now on yearbook, and can really get into my schedule of yearbook work on Monday, the previous week’s catch-up on Tuesdays, then two or three subjects a day Wednesday-Friday. I know that may seem like a light course load for any adult reading, and I suppose it is. But when the option is there between laying in bed and working for two hours straight, it’s a lot harder to pick the work. Especially given these circumstances.
Onward.
I hope I have more calls with friends, both in large groups and individually. I have a few lined up this week. Hopefully I feel good enough to hold myself to them.
It also occurred to me again last night just how much the human race thrives on interaction. We are very adaptable, too, but I’m not sure we’ll ever adapt completely to a situation like this. I think people will always thrive on interaction with other people.
Today, meanwhile, was largely uneventful. I did, however, finish my book for English class, Invisible Man by Ralph Ellison. Without turning this into a full book review, I think it was a good book. It is among the longest I have ever read, for sure, topping out at a whopping 581 pages. About 100 of those were today.
As I read the last words on the last page, I felt myself lurch forward toward graduation, as if I was waiting in a long line, and the person at the very front was helped and everyone behind took a big step forward in unison. This book is one less piece of work I have to balance, as I continue to try to navigate how to work without school.
I can focus more now on yearbook, and can really get into my schedule of yearbook work on Monday, the previous week’s catch-up on Tuesdays, then two or three subjects a day Wednesday-Friday. I know that may seem like a light course load for any adult reading, and I suppose it is. But when the option is there between laying in bed and working for two hours straight, it’s a lot harder to pick the work. Especially given these circumstances.
Onward.
Saturday, April 18
I am sorry I did not blog this morning. I didn’t wake up until 11, so really, I’ve only been up for twelve hours.
The snow was almost completely melted by the end of the evening yesterday, and this morning, I think the rest melted away. We got over five inches apparently.
Today was very relaxing, but seemed rather short. But it was I suppose—that’s what I get for waking up at 11 AM.
I had very vivid dreams this morning, involving school, and friends, and even people I rarely talk to anymore. I suppose it just goes to show you how the most unusual people can be the most important characters, either in life or in stories.
Then, of course, today was the day of prom. It would’ve just been finishing up now. Despite not having an event in person, I did have quite a fun time, actually.
My girlfriend and I decided to have a Mac and Cheese virtual dinner date. I started making it at about 6:15, and realized at about 6:17 that we had no milk. So, I had to improvise a bit. Instead of milk, I just used more butter, and some water and non-dairy coffee creamer. It turned out okay, even if different.
My parents also set up a little something downstairs. It was quite nice, with a poster, and a makeshift disco ball, made out of a flashlight and this crystal ornament.
The snow was almost completely melted by the end of the evening yesterday, and this morning, I think the rest melted away. We got over five inches apparently.
Today was very relaxing, but seemed rather short. But it was I suppose—that’s what I get for waking up at 11 AM.
I had very vivid dreams this morning, involving school, and friends, and even people I rarely talk to anymore. I suppose it just goes to show you how the most unusual people can be the most important characters, either in life or in stories.
Then, of course, today was the day of prom. It would’ve just been finishing up now. Despite not having an event in person, I did have quite a fun time, actually.
My girlfriend and I decided to have a Mac and Cheese virtual dinner date. I started making it at about 6:15, and realized at about 6:17 that we had no milk. So, I had to improvise a bit. Instead of milk, I just used more butter, and some water and non-dairy coffee creamer. It turned out okay, even if different.
My parents also set up a little something downstairs. It was quite nice, with a poster, and a makeshift disco ball, made out of a flashlight and this crystal ornament.
This photo doesn’t do it justice, but the decorations were lovely.
I got fully dressed up, from the mousse in my hair to the fancy, black shoes. It felt good to get ready, especially having shaved for the first time in weeks yesterday.
My girlfriend and I talked for about an hour, eating our dinner, and then I got on a call with friends. We were just as hectic as usual. It was wonderful.
Then later on, I called my girlfriend back, and we listened to some music and talked more.
Overall, my night was very much like my Mac and Cheese. Different, but good.